Touching the Stove til…well, it kind of Doesn’t Feel So Bad

Masochist:

1.) One who gains gratification from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one’s own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification (dictionary.com)

2.) An otherwise rational person who has ever found themselves in front of a bar, at 1 a.m., loudly threatening to heave themselves into the angry sea if their significant other accuses them just one more time of “toeing the party line”

Masochism is a disorder that has plagued psychiatrists for centuries.  It defies biology.  Human beings, like any other animal, are supposed to avoid pain and seek out pleasure.  What malfunction, then, can could cause a human being to enjoy hurting himself over and over again?  It doesn’t make sense and, as such, is inherently frightening.  It only follows, then, that we want to explain it.

Freud and Brenner both blamed Masochism on a faulty Superego, the perceived needs of society imposing vehemently on the primal Id.  It’s generally accepted in the world of psychology that one is driven to act against one’s own interest and desires because of fear or guilt.  One might suppress one’s own needs in a subconscious effort to punish or to comfort oneself.  Fear and pleasure are often intermingled.  When one looks forward to an event, one also fears that something might go wrong, or it won’t live up to one’s expectations. When one takes pleasure in an object, one is anxious that one might lose that object.  The opportunity for gratification manifests displeasure.

No area of human existence is more fertile with the confusion and conflict that lead to Masochism, or “Self-Defeating Disorder” than the romantic relationship.  They say that love makes you crazy…but do they mean clinically?  Consider the fact that some psychology journals describe Masochism in degrees, the least aggressive of which is simply a desensitization to pain and, since pain is inherent in every situation, even the most pleasurable, it might be said that there isn’t much breathing room between the normal and the diseased.  It must be practically impossible to detect the ever-so-slight balance tip that fosters a full-blown disorder.

And I have a feeling that we’ve all been in a relationship, at one time or another, that has made us wonder if we should seek psychological help.

I know I have.

Take, for example, the checklist, offered by The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Third Edition, Revised, and reprinted on ptypes.com.  The more I read it, with my current relationship in mind, the more concerned I became.

chooses people and situations that lead to disappointment, failure, or mistreatment even when better options are clearly available

Well, this is hardly fair criteria.  After all, isn’t there always a “better” option?  How does one define “better.”  I mean, I have a friend, named Jared, who thinks I’m the bees knees.  He lives closer than my boyfriend, and I never argue with him.  He has a great job, he was in the National Guard, his political views align closely with my own, he has a great sense of humor, treats me with respect and consideration, is duly impressed with my accomplishments, he loves to try new things, and we always have a great time together.  On paper, he does seem like the better choice, but I’m just not interested in him romantically.  That’s what matters, right?

rejects or renders ineffective the attempts of others to help him or her;

Now, of course, this isn’t fair, either.  I mean, sure my friends often find themselves less-than-impressed with my boyfriend’s behavior, and my cousin is constantly advising me to “dump him and run,” but they don’t get to pick who I date.  All that matters is what I want…right?

following positive personal events (e.g., new achievement), responds with depression, guilt, or a behavior that produces pain ( e.g., an accident);

Well, here’s another arbitrary point.  There was one time that I was thrilled, because an article I wrote was published in a well-respected political magazine and, when I told my boyfriend, it started an argument.  I don’t think he disagreed with the thesis of the article.  We were really arguing on principle.  I guess I might have known this would start an argument, and I might have even been trying to give myself a leg-up in future debates.  Is it possible that I did it on purpose?

incites angry or rejecting responses from others and then feels hurt, defeated, or humiliated (e.g., makes fun of spouse in public, provoking an angry retort, then feels devastated);

Come to think of it, my significant other and I do poke fun at each other, like most couples do, but once in a while, when I bust his chops, he takes it the wrong way and storms off, leaving me bewildered.  I suppose that fits the criteria.

rejects opportunities for pleasure, or is reluctant to acknowledge enjoying himself or herself (despite having adequate social skills and the capacity for pleasure);

Now, if I were really searching, I might point out the rare instances when my boyfriend and I are around my family, who are engaging in fevered political debate and, rather than join in, as I would like to, I hold back, lest it start another fight or incite another tantrum.

fails to accomplish tasks crucial to his or her personal objectives despite demonstrated ability to do so, e.g., helps fellow students write papers , but is unable to write his or her own;

I have said before that if any of my friends had ascribed behavior like my boyfriends’ to anyone she was dating, I would probably advise her to end the relationship. Hmmm…

is uninterested in or rejects people who consistently treat him or her well, e.g., is unattracted to caring sexual partners;

I really, really don’t want to date Jared.  I find his laugh overly boisterous.

engages in excessive self-sacrifice that is unsolicited by the intended recipients of the sacrifice;

My boyfriend has never technically asked me to hold back my political opinion, but I still find myself doing it.

And yet, I persist.

I’m sure they have a pill for this.

It’s suddenly so clear to me.  I’m disordered.  Thank God we’re lucky enough to live in a time when any malfunction can be fixed by ingesting chemicals, talking about our feelings, and exuberant participation in group meditation.

I bet I could get a discount on Xanax if I buy it in bulk.  Never again will I experience conflict in a relationship.  The first step is recognizing the problem and, thanks to the DSMMD, and a hilarious and informative episode of Wings, I’m on my way back to medically certified good mental health.  I’m sure with enough therapy, Jared and I can live happily ever after.