“A clinch is a last resort defensive technique. It’s when one boxer holds onto the other to avoid being hit or muffle an opponent’s attack.”
Last week, Nate decided he loves me.
Just like that. Well, I guess he had some incentive. It might even be valid.
To make a long story short, if all goes according to plan, I’m going to be in a movie with Justin Timberlake.
This sounds much more interesting than it is. My acting coach called me at the last minute to do some work as an extra for a movie called The Social Network. It was filming in Boston, I worked one night, I made $150, and, no, I did not meet Justin Timberlake…although Jesse Eisenberg did run by me a couple dozen times.
Despite how very not a big deal this is, it sent Nate into a two-day long episode. He made himself sick over it. I didn’t understand why. I assured him that the former front man for N’Sync was not there and, as such, would be unable to pop and lock his way into my heart. However, that wasn’t his problem. As he tells it, once he was able to articulate his position, the fact that I was off, having any kind of new experience without him, killed him.
Somehow, without even trying, I had tapped some emotional font and the amount of sap that sprang forth after that was enough to give me a stomach ache. “I just love doing things with you,” he said. “I mean, we can go out and try something new or just stay in and watch TV, and it’s all fun, because I’m with you. You’re my best friend, and the thought of you doing something new and exciting without me kills me. I barely deserved you before and now, I really don’t. I just don’t want to lose you because I was too stupid and stubborn to admit how I feel.”
Suddenly, I was relieved and uncomfortable again. It was like rubbing alcohol on a fresh wound.
It’s nice to be loved by someone you care about.
It’s nice to have someone think that you’re awesome and to want to be around you as much as you want to be around them. It’s nice to belong to someone.
But I was still squeamish. Suddenly, it was time for another round. I didn’t want to discourage him, because he can be so distant and unemotional at times. Part of me was slightly conscious of some emotional need of my own being filled. Part of me was aware of the fact that if I didn’t react positively, he might never open up to another person again. Part of me doubted the veracity of his feelings.
And part of me wanted to run. He started to talk about the future. He was using words like “long-term” and “rings.” I started to whisper calming mantras to myself. I told myself that I would go up for the weekend, we would see each other, we would both get a reality check, and some of this manic attack would subside.
Luckily, I was right. We had a really nice time this weekend. He settled down, but we got along really well. It was like re-living the honeymoon phase of our relationship. We even started to make tentative plans. We had always talked about the possibility of ending up in Pittsburgh. Somehow, in the last week, we’ve come up with an actual timeline.
And, even though when Nate says “marriage” I start to hyperventilate and break out into hives, the thought of day-to-day living with him in “the Burgh” is actually very pleasant. And that’s the stuff a marriage is really made of, right? It’s the everyday that matters.
Still, it can’t always be like last weekend. Sure, now we’re in love, but is saying it supposed to make my tongue feel like sandpaper? Then, there’s the simple, practical question, is it real, and will it last? We didn’t fight all weekend, but all of our problems are still there. Someday soon, we’re going to disagree again. One day, we’re going to see something on TV or read something in the paper that makes one of us angry. One day, a Republican is going to be president, again. One day, Nate’s dad is going to die.
One day, I’m going to have to make a choice. Unless, maybe relationships are just like anything else in life, not one, ultimate decision, but a series of decisions that you continue to make every single day.
But if that’s the case, how sure can anyone ever really be?
I can’t even figure out if this post is cynical or optimistic.
So I apologize for the totally unasked for thoughts, but personally, I’d beware of romantic interests that say that “thought of you doing something new and exciting without me kills me.” That said, he followed it up with a decent thought–so I hope your optimism is more justified than your cynicism!
Whether cynical or optimistic, I think your post is honest.
It’s also great to dispel the stereotypes that all girls just want to get married and they are in relationships just waiting for this to happen.
By the end of the post, I think you make a good point that it is the everyday and a series of decisions and really, does anyone ever know how something will work unless they try it?
Yet another great blog entry; I’m really impressed by the way in which you craft each piece so that it can stand alone as a compelling anecdote, yet it also blends seamlessly into the extended narrative that you’ve constructed through this forum. I definitely find myself drawn in by your frank revelations and am left on the edge of my seat at the end of each post, eagerly awaiting the next installment.